Diagrama FoundationPaul and Simon, from south London, decided they wanted to adopt siblings after hearing that brothers or sisters can be more difficult to find adopters for.
In National Adoption Week (Oct 17-23) they told of the process they went through, the life-changing experiences they have had and the fulfilment becoming adopters has given them…
Paul
In my mind we always wanted siblings. We’ve both got sisters and we didn’t want to go through the adoption process twice if we could help it.
Simon
We both grew up with siblings so that was definitely a factor. We were also aware that sibling groups can be more difficult to find adoptive parents for, and it can be really helpful for the children to have that constant in their lives as they transition
Simon
Panel can be very stressful. Your future is in the hands of a group of strangers. It’s very easy to be nervous but actually the questions were easy to answer.
Paul
I was quite chilled all the way through. The second stage was almost like therapy.
Family finding is perhaps the most frustrating part of the journey. It wasn’t stressful but it does take a while – and the waiting is hard.
Paul
Family finding is a bit like using a dating website or buying a house, it’s a life changing experience and there’s that waiting around for the pieces to fall into place. You have to try to leave your emotions out of it because you want to adopt everybody you see! But you have to be practical and stick to the criteria you’ve set yourselves.
Simon
As we went through the process, I was swayed by the photos, Paul was swayed by the text. There is a marketing element to it all which sounds bizarre but it’s true.
We initially made the decision that we didn’t want to adopt under the age of two, but our social worker asked us why and after rethinking we ended up with two boys aged four and 16 months when we got them!
Simon
All of the sessions with the Diagrama social worker were valuable. I never felt like we were being judged or analysed and we considered and explored so much that we hadn’t thought about before.
Paul
When the boys came home, it was at the end of a very intense week of introductions. They moved in and the foster carers couldn’t stay as they normally would because of Covid. The house was a tip – big bags of their clothes and toys everywhere – it’s a massive adjustment.
When we were left just the four of us, we were creeping around the house at night, not wanting to disturb them. Everything they know had changed overnight and we wanted to make sure everything was as settled as possible for them.
Simon
We must have looked broken to the social worker when she came to visit a couple of days after they moved in! We weren’t sleeping properly, you’re worried by all the things that worry a new parent, are they breathing, I can’t hear them, all those things.
Paul
The youngest would not leave me alone at all. I couldn’t even have a shower because he’d start crying. But I remember after a few days we went to the park, just the four of us, and it was like a massive release. Going outside made such a difference and the boys loved it.
Simon
Before that we’d stayed in the house for a week and that period was intense. All of a sudden, you’re responsible for two young lives, it’s a massive change, but such a rewarding one.
Paul
Keeping close contact with the foster carers is a huge part of it. We gave our youngest mayonnaise, and he got a bit of a rash so we were straight on the phone to them in a panic because there was nothing in the file about an allergy.
Similarly, the eldest talked about ‘Santi’ at Christmas. We wondered if that was a thing but it turned out to be just what he called Santa. We needed that insight from the foster carers, we learnt so much from them and that regular contact has been great for both sides.
Simon
You don’t just adopt for yourself, you adopt for the child as well, it’s different to being a birth parent. There’s lots of scary stuff you’re told about at an early stage – things like drugs and alcohol – which you have to take on board.
Paul
It’s hard work but it’s possibly a little bit easier than I thought it would be. Our eldest was developmentally delayed and he’s made such amazing progress. He struggles a bit with confidence and when he can see he’s done a good job with something, the satisfaction he gets from that makes me so happy and you get strength from that.
It’s also great to see them take on bits of you. His favourite colour is blue because of Chelsea which as a Chelsea fan is fantastic to see.
Simon
Your perspective on life completely changes when you adopt. I’d much rather have this tiredness than not to have had the fulfilment and enjoyment I’ve had with the boys. Getting stuck into parenting is one of the most rewarding things you can do. I’ve learnt I love soft play areas – I would never have known that before!
Paul
Diagrama have been great. They’re very easy to deal with. The picnic events they stage are so valuable. We have met other adopters and some of the people we trained with which has been really good.
Simon
It’s great to see those we did our training with again after children. You can see they’re different and learn about what they’ve learnt and how they’ve changed. We wouldn’t have had that without Diagrama.
