Diagrama FoundationI knew I always wanted to be a mum, and until my early 30s, I just assumed it would happen when I was ready. I didn’t know anyone who’d experienced infertility, and just assumed there’d be no issue with getting pregnant.
At the time, I was a legal adviser in a Magistrates’ court and part of my role was to manage all of the care and adoption cases. So, adoption had always been on my radar. And if I’m honest, I think I always knew it was going to be the way I became a mum.
When it became clear we weren’t going to get pregnant naturally, adoption felt like the natural choice for us. Treatment was our only option to conceive and we both felt like the conveyor-belt approach and the fear (for me) that we’d be thrown off it, meant it wasn’t something we wanted to pursue.
Choosing an adoption agency
Although I knew a lot about adoption from a legal perspective, I didn’t know very much at all about how the assessment process worked. It was over 10 years ago and there wasn’t much information available about what the assessment was like, and we didn’t know we could shop around when it came to looking for an adoption agency.
We assumed we had to apply to the local authority where we lived so we made an initial enquiry with them and ultimately chose them as our agency. We didn’t speak to any others or attend other events as we didn’t know we could.
It all turned out well as ultimately, going with our local authority led us to our girls. But if we were applying now, knowing what we do, we’d have visited other agencies before we decided which one was the best fit.
How many children?
When we started our adoption journey, I thought we’d have two children. I’m the youngest of two and I can’t imagine my life without my sister.
But the further into the assessment we got, and the more we learned about the type of issues adopted children face, we decided that one child was going to be best for us, with a view to applying again once we knew our child was settled.
Our social worker agreed and we were approved and matched with one child. We knew there was a chance birth mum would get pregnant again, so we went into the match with that in our minds.
The hardest decision of our lives
About 14 months after our daughter came home, I got an email from our social worker to say birth mum had just disclosed she was 35 weeks pregnant. She asked if we wanted to be considered as sadly, birth mum’s circumstances hadn’t changed so the plan was adoption.
I’d just gone back to work after a wonderful 13 months off getting to know our little girl. She’d started nursery a few weeks before and was really struggling with that. She loved being there once she settled but leaving her was awful.
The next few weeks were emotionally the hardest of my life. I was desperately trying to convince myself that being considered for the sibling was right for us all, even though my head was telling me it wasn’t.
To everyone on the outside, it probably seemed like the perfect way to complete our family (and some said that to us). I wasted a lot of energy worrying what others would think if we didn’t want to be considered. I also knew saying no meant we were making a conscious decision that our daughter wouldn’t grow up with her little brother or sister. I struggled a lot with that.
But just because something seems perfect on paper, doesn’t mean it is in reality. Our daughter was struggling with the changes nursery had brought and it felt like she needed us to herself to get through that. Adding a young baby into the mix was a step too far.
Letting go of guilt
Once I started to let go of my guilt, particularly about what others would think, I started to feel better. Just because others can cope with a second child quickly after the first, however it happens, doesn’t mean that we could. And there was no shame in admitting that.
Our social worker was brilliant and didn’t question our decision or try to persuade us we should reconsider. That meant a lot to me and helped me realise we’d made the right decision.
Another pregnancy
Fast forward a couple of years and our world was rocked again when I got an email from our social worker. The adoption order had been granted so there was no need for her to contact us so I had a strong feeling before I opened it, what she was going to say. Birth mum was pregnant again and as her circumstances hadn’t changed, we were first choice to be assessed as adopters.
We’d settled into life as a family of three and although we’d said we’d like to be contacted if birth mum was pregnant again, I didn’t think it would happen.
This time everything felt different. Our eldest was settled and happy and it felt like the right time for her to share us with a sibling. She had just turned four and often talked about having a little brother or sister.
We were concerned about our ages (I was 45 and my husband was 54) and how we’d be able to cope with a young baby. But a few aches and pains and a number on a piece of paper didn’t feel like enough of a reason to say no. Our social worker wasn’t concerned about our ages so after a lot of discussion, we said yes.
The second assessment
Seeing our youngest get excited about becoming a big sister was amazing and told us we’d made the right decision. We had to tell her early on in the assessment so that she could be included in the report. I was worried about that initially in case something went wrong and panel didn’t think we should be parents to the sibling. But I’m so glad she had that time to prepare.
She had a couple of sessions with our social worker to help her prepare for her sister coming home. They talked about what she was looking forward to about being a big sister and what she thought it would be like. She said she couldn’t wait to help dress her and give her lots of cuddles. She helped us to decorate her sister’s room by picking the colours and helping to paint which she loves telling her sister about now.
Preparing her for the arrival of her sister was also a great way for us to talk to her about their birth history in a bit more detail. She had lots of questions about the foster carers (who were the same family she was with) and why her sister was living with them and not us or her birth mum. That led to more questions about her birth family so we spent quite a lot of time looking at her life story book during that time.
Becoming a family of four
Seeing her face light up the first time she met her baby sister is something I’ll always treasure. I knew then we’d made the right decision both times. I think I’ll always feel some level guilt that we said no to the sibling who was born in between our two. But it was the right decision for everyone, but particularly our eldest.
I feel so lucky to have been able to see her and her sister grow up together. They adore each other (most of the time!) and have a beautiful strong, healthy bond. Seeing them make each other laugh to the point they gasp for breath is the most magical thing in the world.
It’s not all been plain sailing and we’re currently accessing post-adoption support for our youngest to help her process the huge feeling of loss she has. And we do ache a lot more and struggle with lack of sleep in a way we wouldn’t if we’d been younger. But we wouldn’t change it for the world.
Looking to the future
I feel very lucky to have been chosen to be their mum. Adoption is needed in our society because not everyone is able to safely parent which leads to trauma and loss for adopted children. But that doesn’t mean that everything should be overshadowed by that.
Our girls knew from an early age that they didn’t grow in my tummy and that they have a birth family who love them. That completely blows my mind because I don’t know how I would cope with knowing that. But they amaze me every day with their resilience.
You can read more about our adoption journey, and other articles and interviews from others involved in adoption, in We Made a Wish adoption and parenting magazine.
