Diagrama FoundationTo mark National Adoption Week in October, Robert and Paul open up about adopting siblings.
Robert and Paul, from south east London, adopted brothers aged two and five with help from Diagrama Adoption.
To mark National Adoption Week (October 17-23), Robert tells us the couple’s story – from the very start of the adoption process through to the impact the boys have had on their lives…
Once Paul and I had decided we wanted to adopt, the journey started for us with an open day organised by Diagrama. We had early help and advice from a social worker. He was very good and helped us with problem solving – issues like how to deal with a controlling child, just the good advice you’re likely to need when adopting.
We then went to a Diagrama panel, where we were approved. I think prospective adopters look at the panel as big and scary but it’s actually OK. Family finding is more daunting.
We were approved for adoption and early permanence and our intention was to go for early permanence for a baby or siblings.
Paul is one of four and I’m one of three brothers so that was our motivation to go for siblings – neither of us could bear the thought of siblings being separated.
The family finding process moved along – it’s a tough part to go through because you’re seeing children you like in pictures and profiles, you then call the social worker and see what the situation is.
We were contacted by the family finder for the two boys and initially we weren’t sure because there was a suggestion the boys might be better split up. We really wanted siblings with a bond. But the situation changed and we started moving forwards.
We did an activity day with the boys to spend some time with them and then we moved onto the ‘bump into’ meeting, which happened at the home of their foster carers. That was a wonderful way to spend a bit of one-to-one time with the boys and to start to get to know them.
We were approved by the matching panel and then comes a tricky bit where you have to start preparing for the children to come to you but you don’t quite have a definite ‘yes’. It’s like waiting for a natural birth to happen, it’s quite an emotional time.
We then got our ‘yes’ which we were naturally ecstatic about but you still have to wait a couple of weeks for the transition. It’s a big deal for the children but at the same time, you just want them to come home with you there and then!
From there, it’s really important to make a good connection with the foster carers. You’re sometimes spending 12 hours a day with them in their home as the children get used to you so it would be tricky if you didn’t get on.
But we were and remain very close to the boys’ foster family. It’s crucial because you get bits and snippets of information that would not be in the official file.
For example, they told us that one of the boys loved the tradition of making a Christmas pudding and making a wish every year. That was really important to him. That wasn’t something we had previously done in our house so knowing how important it was to him was crucial information.
We spent more and more time with the foster carers and then the day came. We loaded all their stuff into our car and they came to us after school. We stuck to the routine they were familiar with to start with, the foster carers came to see us every day and then gradually pulled away.
All of a sudden – there were two young brothers living with us as part of our family!
We were a little bit panicky to start with, as I suppose any parents are when the child or children first comes home. It’s a weird feeling but it felt so good to get the boys home. They were five and two at the time so it’s a big adjustment to share your house with two young children but it soon starts to feel normal.
Now, it’s fantastic, this is our life now and I wouldn’t swap a thing. You adapt and you change, your whole life changes but it just happens.
For example, 7.30am on a Saturday is now a lie-in – we never used to get up before 10am on a Saturday!
But everything clicked and you soon settle into family life. We gelled amazingly quickly and we felt properly attached to the boys from a very early stage. It’s strange to think that we’ve only had them for 15 months. They have a joint background story, but that’s kind of a blur now, everything feels very natural.
My advice to anyone thinking of adopting is you need patience, open-mindedness and you have to be up for a challenge.
Inevitably, a lot of changes come with adopting a child or children but the rewards speak for themselves. It doesn’t feel like the boys were ever not ours. We’ve settled into a family life and the boys are thriving.
Diagrama have been really good to us, they have always told it like it is. They almost feel like part of our family. Adoption can be a difficult process with lots of steps to take and hoops to go through. But Diagrama have helped that because of their friendly approach and their help and advice through every stage.
